Thursday, March 21, 2002

Pam Anderson Reveals She Has Hepatitis - Blames Tommy Lee

Pamela Anderson shocked the world Wednesday with the revelation that she'd contracted Hepatitis C, a potentially lethal disease that can cause liver damage. Anderson blames ex-hubby, Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, for infecting her during their marriage when the two shared a tattoo needle (in what was probably some ill-fated stab at romanticism on the part of the two mentally-challenged celebs).

The damage has already been done, unfortunately. Nevertheless, I'd like to do my part to make sure this kind of tragedy never happens again. In that spirit, I'm posting a list of things for young wives to consider prior to taking that long-dreamt-of trip down the aisle of matrimony with their signifigant other:

1. Don't marry Tommy Lee - This one seems obvious at first, but it seems to be a common mistake in Hollywood amongst nubile blonde starlets. Heather Locklear made this tragic error, as did Pam. Regrettably, there's probably some young blonde model/aspiring actress out there who, as I write this, is considering betrothal to the shotgun-waving, hard-living metal drummer. I can only hope that she's reading this article and will reflect on it at length.

2. Don't share needles, be they tattoo needles or otherwise - most especially with Tommy Lee - Surely this simple tenet is one even the most fluff-brained actress among us can grasp. It's bad enough Pamela elected to share bodily fluids with a card-carrying member of "The Crue", but apparently this game of russian roulette wasn't high-stakes enough for her, better to directly expose herself to the 190 proof witches brew of drugs, alcohol and, presumably, myriad S.T.D.s that course through the veins of the hair metal hero's body.

3. If Tommy Lee asks you, no matter how nicely...don't get your boobs done for him - You'll just wind up regretting it later and have them taken out, resulting in not one, but two invasive surgeries. Of course, while it's a dead-lock sure bet that Tommy's responsible for Pam's condition, there's always the off-chance that this was a factor.

4. Stay the hell away from Tommy Lee - Listen, it's just not a good idea. Marrying Tommy or any other member of Motley Crue can only lead to trouble. I wouldn't recommend taking your kid to any birthday parties at his house, either.

5. Divorce Tommy Lee and STAY divorced - You're young, you're a hollywood starlet, you don't need the kind of headaches that are involved in being Tommy's spouse. When apologetic Tommy send that reconcilatory ten dozen roses, send them back - you'll just be fending him off again in a liquor-soaked, shotgun-wielding domestic scene that will make all the tabloids a couple months down the road. If you must marry a celebrity bad-boy, find yourself a Charlie Sheen, like Denise Richards did. At least Charlie uses "pros", so there's at least a sliver of hope that there'll be some protection involved when he inevitably strays.

6. Don't listen when Tommy tries to sweet-talk you into making a "home movie" - This one may not save your life, but it may save you a little embarassment.

7. Once you've finally succeeded in getting Tommy Lee out of your life, whatever, i repeat - whatever you do, don't go to Kid Rock as your "rebound guy" - Sigh...

Yahoo! News - Pamela's Hepatitis Bombshell

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