And the Award for Most Surreal Headline Ever Goes to...

Man Charged with Assaulting Goat Mayor.

Yep, that's right. A man assaulted the mayor of Lajitas, TX, who is - in fact - a goat. Apparently he was upset because the mayor (again, I repeat - a goat) was being allowed to drink beer on Sunday, in defiance of the town's local blue laws. Did I mention he also castrated the beer-swilling goat-mayor?

Well, Folks, We've Hit a New Low...

As far as youth sports go, anyways. We've all seen the stories about parents freaking out and assaulting one another at Little League games and about parents assaulting refs and coaches, as well. I don't think I've heard of a coach assaulting a player, though - that's what happened to a 12-year-old girl recently at an elementary-league soccer game. Apparently she was on her way to a hat trick when the opposing coach freaked out and attacked her.

Alas, it's come to this, my friends - we are a Nation of Barbarians. It's official, I guess.

Homer in the Land of the Rising Sun

At Japander.com you can find quicktime downloads of american celebs like Mel Gibson and Madonna doing the shameless advertising and media-whoring they're adverse to doing here in the States. Be sure and check out the Simpsons CC Lemon spots.

Behold, the Instruments of the Devil!

Here's one of a million reasons I'm hoping diehard Muslims never take over the planet - a page detailing the etiquette involved in the everyday process of taking a whiz. For starters, urinals (above) are most definitely out - though, as stated in the article, "Even Imaams of Musaajid are exposing themselves shamelessly and filthily in public view by using these bestial kuffaar contraptions."

There's also a laundry list of other chores you must perform before answering the call of nature, such as reciting prayers to Allah on entering and upon exiting - " O Allah I seek Your pardon. All praises are due to Allah who has taken away from me discomfort and granted me relief." - for instance, as well as informing you of which foot to step into the bathroom with first, etc. From what I can tell, it seems to be an all-day process and I'm surprised anyone gets anything done over there because it sounds like by the time you've done your business in the proper fashion, it's time to do it again already.

Next On Fox: When Platypuses Attack!

Platypuses, those freaky egg-laying mammals that just don't seem to fit in...we all know they're funny-looking freaks, but who knew they were violent, fearsome creatures and a force to be reckoned with? From what they're saying here, these duckbilled abberations of nature aren't to be messed with.

Linky, Linky, Linky

Added a new link today, the little "BlogTree" icon on the bottom right of the page. BlogTree is a sort of blog geneology project - you add your blog and then list the blog/blogs it was inspired by. Clicking on someone's info shows their site was "born", their parent blogs and their sibling blogs - blogs which bear the same inspirational lineage as theirs.

War, Poverty, Disease - Problem Solved!

Has the Evil Empire of Tax Masters and Interest Masters been getting you down lately? Are you tired of the Evil Anti-Christ Government and does the stench of your Average American Firetrap, Mouse-infested Cockroach Den leave you scratching your head and wondering why you persist in being a Tax Slave?

Well, never fear - this bearded, robe-and-sandal wearing hippie has it all figured out and is willing to share with you his Master Plan for Worldwide Law, Order, Obedience, Peace and True Prosperity. I feel better already - have to admit, though, the rock house is kind of cool.

Struck By Lightning

It seems that on television, you're always hearing stories about people who were struck by lightning and lived. Not this guy. Remember guys, lightning is dangerous and we're not all made of the same stuff as that park ranger guy from the Guiness Book. That guy can't even walk outside to get his morning paper without being struck by a bolt of lightning.

Ways Spiderman Can Use His Powers Later In Life...

Yet Another Bizarre Japanese Flash Movie

Wow...what are they smoking over there in Japan, huh? (via the Everlasting Blort)

Fun Pet or Horrible Monster?

Both, apparently. Here's some info on the recently vilified Snakehead fish that's been making news lately. Found in a Maryland pond a couple months ago, the asian fish - which eats everything in a pond, then walks on land to the next one - it's spread to several states now and is easily the most hated species of fish in the U.S. It's only defense is that it's supposedly a mighty tasty meal. Mmmm...snakehead.

I Wonder How It Sits?

The mousepad couch.

Attack of the Souped-Up Ataris

In a truly inspiring fit of nerdy-inventiveness, the folks at Retrosystem have taken the case-modification craze and jacked it up to the next level.

For a fee, their geek-chic production team will outfit an old Atari, NES or Amiga computer with miniature, up-to-date components like good-sized hard drives, speedy ram and even dvd drives to make for a system as powerful as many recent desktops. Linux and Windows operating systems are included and yes - you can still play that crummy irritating version of Pac-Man on it.

Any Dad Can Build a Tree House

But how many would build their kids a giant Mechwarrior in their backyard? This thing's been posted everywhere but what the hell, let's jump on the bandwagon. It is pretty neat...bet the kids' popularity shot through the roof after dad got done putting this puppy together.

The Evil of Pippi Longstocking

In a classic example of "who on earth would go to this much trouble for a joke", someone's made a webpage that explains - in exacting detail - the hundreds of reasons pointing to movie moppet Pippi Longstocking being the Antichrist.

Heroes

Sorry for the recent lack of updates, I'll try and get some stuff on here tomorrow...till then, here's a funny flash film featuring Marvel Comics characters in a spoof of "Clerks".

Whoa...Dude...I Totally Forgot Pot Was Illegal...

A stoner reports his indoor pot-growing equipment and stash are stolen to the police.

Hunkin's Experiments

Lots of goofy tricks and experiments, most of it's stuff you see when you're a kid, building potato batteries and the like.

Team Sandtastic!

Okay, they have a very goofy name, but these dudes make some unbelievable sand and snow sculptures.

Yatta!

Here at The Ends of the Earth it's a long-standing tradition that I only post things after every man, woman and child on the internet has already seen them and they've been run into the ground. Today's example is the Flash movie Irrational Exuberance. My only excuse is that, although I've seen this posted in numerous places the last few months or so, it took so long to load I never bothered to watch it. Turns out it was pretty cool. So, if you have some time to kill or are on a cable modem and haven't seen this five thousand times already and aren't sick of it, here you go - enjoy.

Texas Serial Killer May Go Free in 2006

Thanks to a few glitches in the court system, a man known to have committed 13 murders and possibly as many as eighty may be released in four years.

Faster Than a Speeding Bullet...

I was on Metafilter today and saw this link to a site with a complete scan of Action Comics #1 on it. It's the comic most historians believe to be the beginning of the Golden Age of comics, lusted after by serious comic collectors world over - there are only 75 or so known copies and only fifteen of those are in what would be considered near mint condition - and one of those is currently stolen.

I've read a lot of old comic book reprints but I've never seen this seminal comic of the gods in it's entirety. One thing I found interesting was that Superman's logo has hardly changed at all since 1939. The costume's a bit different, there are no supervillians to be found (those came later) and the artwork is hardly what comic fans are accustomed to today. Basically, though, the recipe for the modern superhero is all there. The extraordinary powers, the secret identity, the love interest he can't tell - everything. It's amazing to think that in a superhero-less world, something like this sprung full-blown and totally realized from the heads of two young guys (Siegel and Shuster) who were just knocking out funny books for kiddies and surely had no idea what they'd created or that it would last for generations and remain popular and in the forefront of the world's culture.

It seems that superheroes are more popular than ever these days and I wonder if it has anything to do with all the military conflict going on. For comics, the Golden Age was WWII. During the second World War, comics sold in the millions, many more than are sold now. They were everywhere. My dad used to tell me stories about hauling off big piles of them (some of which would be priceless now, I'm sure) on a little cart for recycling as part of the war effort.

I think in wartime superheroes take on a different and more powerful meaning, which may account for the incredible popularity of Superman and his hordes of imitators in the 40's and the current infatuation with Spiderman and the other upcoming superhero movies. Who wouldn't want some Superman to come along and save the day in times like these - someone better than us, more powerful, more enlightened - someone honest and just. Then there's the escapist aspect of it - you can open the pages of a comic book and be taken away to a place where there are troubles, menacing villians, doomsday devices...menacing and yet existing in a realm of fantasy in which you know that in the end, truth, justice and (no offense to my friends from other countries) the American Way will prevail. I think the first of the superheroes, Superman, sums all these qualities up as well as anyone, still. Here's a few Super-links:

Riding high on the wave of Spider-mania, we can look forward to not one, but two (?) Superman movies in the near to semi-near future. There's a Superman vs. Batman team-up and a straight-up George Reeves.

The old-timey Superman radio show's first sixteen episodes in Quicktime format.

If that's not enough for you, here's a page with massive amounts of Superman lore and linkage. Great Scott!

Dumbass of the Week: Steve Earle

Frankly I was never a huge Steve Earle fan, Copperhead Road was okay for ten minutes back in the late eighties or whenever it was, but he's not someone I'd bother to go see or buy an album from.

This week, though, he's managed to go from critically-acclaimed lukewarm album-seller to making himself the most hated man in country music, it seems. Probably he should have seen this coming...something tells me a song that pretty much glorifies "American Taliban" John Walker Lindh, with muslim prayer chants in the background and comparisons between Lindh and Jesus Christ won't go over well with the rebel-flag waving throngs of country fans out there.

Smile!

I was at this site the other night, Best Smileys - they have tons of cool little smiley gifs and emoticons, so if you like that sort of thing be sure and check them out.

I couldn't sleep that night and made this pointless little bit of psychedelia out of some of them - Enjoy.

Are You Crazy? Dilithium Crystals Don't Work That Way!

The Institute of Applied Treknology, for people who spend way too much time thinking about Star Trek:

The Journal of Applied Treknology, published by the Advanced Starship Design Bureau, is a Federation-wide forum for starship design and innovative technology. The Journal is aimed at engineers and interested laymen. Readers are invited to contribute their own ideas and share their views on existing concepts.

Engage.

Ice Cream, Japanese Style

Those zany Japanese never cease to amaze me. Here's a nice overview of all the crazy styles of ice cream offered there. Octopus ice cream, anyone? Didn't think so...maybe fish is more your flavor.

Niftiest Keyboard Ever

This thing looks like a lot of fun. It's got a lot of features and even has a strap so you can sling it over your shoulder, plus it's a fully-functional keyboard.

Man Claims He's Christ, Faces Death Penalty

A Pakistani man, Anwar Keneth, is facing the death penalty. Mr. Keneth claimed to be Christ and referred to Islam as a "fake religion". Here, of course - or in any other halfway reasonable country - Mr. Keneth would probably be carted off to a mental hospital. He'd be given a few pills, sat down in front of a television with some jigsaw puzzles or ashtray-making materials and that would be that. In ultra-oppressive Pakistan, however, he's charged with blasphemy and may well pay the ultimate price.

Here's a fun fact about their Islamic brand of "justice": all it takes, in a country that's almost 97% Muslim, is the word of one Muslim accuser to prosecute someone on blasphemy charges. It's a less forgiving system than that of the witch trials of Salem and just as backwards.

Blasphemy Results in Death Sentence (washingtonpost.com)

An American's Guide to Canada

A page about Canada, written by an American who's been living there a few years. I have a few friends up that way (shoutout to my Canuk peeps! - as the kids would say) and I'm gonna have to give this page the once over. I see no mention of igloos, though, oddly. Maybe I just haven't gotten to that section yet, eh?

Holy Campiness, Batman!

Batman (without the Batmobile): "I must get to the Batcave as fast as possible."
Gordon: "Let me send a police car for you."
Batman: "A needless waste of taxpayers' money, Commissioner. Gotham City's transit line is the world's most rapid."

Quotes from the sixties television show.

Let's Talk Games - Old School, Baby

Well, I finally got my game controller installed and it works okay, so I've been doing just a little gaming. First stop was Shockwave.com for a game of Defender II (known in the arcades as Stargate Defender) , which I'd been dying to play lately. Usually when I do play games I fall back on the old 80's stuff. They're easy to learn, tough to master and there aren't a zillion different controls or ridiculously in-depth storylines. Basically you jump in, start blasting, chomping or running from stuff and if you get hit you die - three strikes and you're out, unless you get an extra man. Back then an extra man meant something, too - you had to earn that last chance for gaming glory. Also, most games you could take turns at and unless you were hanging out with some seriously talented arcade freak, you wouldn't have a chance to get bored before he crashed and burned and you got your turn.

I'm not saying I don't care for any new games. My friend Chris has the new Spiderman game on his PS2 and I thought it was awesome. However, with it's lack of a time limit and huge areas to cover, you could pretty well die of boredom waiting on your turn while your buddy flips Spidey around aimlessly on some rooftop trying out his funky spider powers. In the 80's, though, when games were games and men were men and brightly-colored pixelish aliens ruled the arcades, there was no such dilly-dallying. When Player 2's ship crashed, well, there were no two ways about it - it was time to grab for the controls and get your act together, fast - or you'd share the same fate in about a half a second. Sometimes, like in real-life, it wasn't even fair. When you hit that hyperspace button in Defender or Asteroids, you didn't know if you'd wind up somewhere safe or come out the other side amidst a swarm of alien attackers who were on top of you before the neural synapses in your brain could even fire off a "damn."

Anyway, after a few games of Defender, I got to wondering whether there was a Flash version of Galaga. Normally I'd just play Galaga on my MAME emulator. Defender is emulated too, but the gameplay is different on MAME's exacting recreation of the arcade version - lacking the up-down stick and thrust button of the actual game itself can be frustrating on a joystick, whereas Shockwave's version has been tweaked so that thrust is incorporated into the directional pad - move right, ship goes right, etc. Galaga is simpler to play on an emulator, since it only involves left and right movement and fire.

Still, I was curious if someone had attempted it and I did find a Flash version of Galaga. However it wasn't the straight-up Galaga I know and love and played obsessively as a kid. The sounds are different, there are no bonus rounds and you don't have to lose and recapture your ship to get dual fire, all you have to do is finish the wave. They also added a shield, which you get after you've won your extra firepower. Not exactly purist, but it was fun for a little while, I guess. No joystick support either, but if you've never played the original or just want to try a new twist it's worth a spin.

I miss this kind of thing...I'm such a fossil :)

Wacko Jacko's Not Crazy - The Proof

The Modern Humorist has uncovered shocking office memos that prove not only did bigoted record execs at Sony conspire to keep Michael Jackson down, but may have initiated the 9/11 attacks. Truly eye-opening, let's hope Johnny Cochran can do something with this.

Moron of the Week

A man drives a stolen car to a court hearing, where he was facing charges for a previous car theft. Way to go, McFly.

Fly the Friendly Skies

While I'm in a playful mood, here's a page that shows how to make, according to it's author, the "best paper airplane in the world" (shown above). There are step-by-step instructions, as well as printable pages with the folds designated for you.

Bubble Town

Learn how to make gigantic bubbles.

Warning: Knives are Sharp!

Funny caution labels from everyday products.

Charges Reduced for Woman Who Left Kids to Die in Car

Tarajee S. Maynor, the infamous mother who spent the day in a beauty salon while her two small children suffered and died inside a sweltering car in the parking lot has had her charges reduced from murder to felony manslaughter.

That really pisses me off. The maximum time she could do now is fifteen years. Think about this...while her kids were outside vomiting, suffocating, convulsing and finally dying, Miss Maynor was spending the afternoon in an air-conditioned salon getting a massage, trying on a sun dress, studying and having her hair done. Here's the kicker: she did, in fact, leave the salon at one point - to get a drink and snack for herself.

Her attorneys say she's on suicide watch and is wracked with guilt over what she's done but you have to wonder if she's upset because of what happened to her children or if she's merely anguished over the thought of her impending jail time.

I can't help but think that had the police believed her story about her being abducted and raped - she would be walking around guiltlessly without a care in the world. Perhaps the saddest part of this story is the fact that Maynor is currently pregnant with another child.

Sorry to bring down the normally light-spirited mood of this page, this is just something that really bothers me. I've heard I don't know how many cases of people leaving kids unattended in hot cars this year and it just seems incredible that anyone could be so completely ignorant and unthinking as to leave their kids unattended in a parking lot, regardless of the weather. Even if she didn't have the common sense to know it could kill them, wouldn't a normal, caring mother be worried her children could be kidnapped or something? It's just inexcusable and fifteen years (probably reduced to five or six, eventually) seems like a small price for her to pay for their senseless deaths.

(Update, July 15, 2002: I was just reading the news and found that Maynor abandoned a third child back in 2000, leaving her at Bethany Christian Services, a private adoption agency in Madison Heights, for 53 days. Once prosecuters get more documention of the matter, they may be able to use it in a new trial.)

Dog Poker

You've seen the painting with all the dogs gathered around the table playing poker a million times, right? Ever wonder what those canine gamblers were yacking about as they played? Wonder no more.

(Takes awhile to load up, but there's a decent little card game you can play while you wait, just don't crap out like I did and blow it all in the first minute or so. Oh yeah, contains offensive language, etc. - you've been warned).

More Ozzy-Themed Fun

While I'm posting Osbournes-related stuff, I may as well include this. It had to happen, sooner or later - The Ozzy Soundboard.

Sim Osbournes

This is just way cool...it's the Sim version of The Osbournes, a Flash spectacular from MTV's U.K. site.

Make Sharon throw a ham at the snotty rich boy neighbors. Watch Ozzy as he anguishes over the tv remote control, or make him rock out in an impromptu version of Paranoid. It's up to you.

Of course, the rest of the clan is there - even the dogs - and you'll recognize all the rooms of the house from the television show. There's also a lot of Osbournes info to read, with interviews, pics and video of the family.

Warning, unlike the MTV version of the show, the Sim Osbournes aren't censored (though their expletives are in soundless word balloons).

Sharrrrrronnnnn!!!!

Death Star Times

Here's one my friend Jordan passed along, a neat little Star Wars newspaper spoof.

He also turned me to to this site, Despair.com, which has some really funny things on there, I especially loved their inspirational (uninspirational?) posters, like this one:



Funny stuff.

Blade Runner, the Comic

One of my fave movies of all time is Blade Runner. This guy's posted the Marvel Comics version of the movie in it's entirety, in full-size page scans. Just thought it was worth mentioning to the comic lovers out there.

Think Today's Kid's Toys Are Offensive? Check This Out...

I'd totally forgotten about this old comic book ad. It's for a line of models done by the defunct toy company, Aurora. Wow, how sadistic are these toys? Full-on torture chamber accessories - we're talking hot coals and pokers, kids - complete with a mad scientist, a scantily-clad vampire chick and a "girl victim". No wonder my generation's so messed up.

Chalk It Up

Google! DayPop! This is my blogchalk: English, United States, Albertville, Alabama, NotJimmy, Male, 31-35!

No, I haven't gone insane, those words are intended more for Google's prying eyes than yours. Let me explain: that info is what you'll see if you mouse over the little green face in the corner I've added to my page, it's called Blogchalking.

You see, back in the good old days of hoboing, (if there were in fact ever "good old days" for itinerant homeless folks) hobos used a system of symbols they'd leave behind in the places they'd visited - there'd be a symbols denoting the fact that a certain house had a kind owner who'd likely feed you or that the town didn't allow alcohol, for instance - or that the man who lived there had a gun and would run you off if you came around looking for handouts.

Well, someone got the idea to use this sort of symbol system and apply it to free wireless networking and called it warchalking. The original idea being that you'd leave a symbol behind where you'd found a good wireless access point and could pass your knowledge of the node on to others easily. All this has in turn led to blogchalking, a means for other bloggers to easily find like-minded individuals from their area and look up their pages. So there you have it.

Welcome, Information Highway hobos...come in, sit down and stay awhile (but not too long...this ain't no hotel)

Pearls Before Swine

A nasty little Flash game in which you take pearls from your computer opponent's hand - however many you wish, from each row, in turns. The object is to keep from getting stuck picking the last one.

Stop, Thief!

It appears that starlings like shiny, pretty things - in this case, $4,000 dollar's worth of them.

Yahoo! Internet Life Magazine R.I.P.

Looks like the August issue of the magazine will be it's last. That really sucks, I always liked reading them. No word on whether this will affect their website, but I can only assume it's gone too.

You Sank My Battleship!

A really cool online version of the classic Battleship game, Battleship - General Quarters works the same way but prettier and with explosions. Too bad there's no two-player version yet, but other than that it's one of the more interesting Flash games I've played in awhile.

That Swingin' Spidey

In case the dancing Spiderman gif I posted didn't completely shatter your mental image of the web-slinging superhero, here's the overblown flash disco version, complete with crazy foreign disco music, the final nail in the coffin.

For The Alcoholic Chess Enthusiast Who Has Everything (But a Working Liver)

A shot glass chess set (yep, it's an actual product). After a round of this you may be loosened up enough to try out some chess variants, like the three-tiered Star Trek version or multiplayer chess. I think I'll send one of these sets to David Hasslehoff.

Comment: Speling is vary impotent!

Bush's Amazon wish list.

Painting Tolkien's Worlds

Large, hi-resolution galleries of artwork inspired by the novels of J.R.R. Tolkien, including this Frank Frazetta piece (above, used for the movie poster of the 70's cartoon version of The Lord of the Rings), as well as Tolkien's own renderings of his fantastic visions.

New Zealand Man Strives for Air Guitar Championship Status

28 year old Tony Peneha's Jimi Hendrix routine has earned him the right to fly to Oulu, Finland for the Air Guitar World Championship (yes, there actually is such a thing - how about that?). There, he'll be cutting heads with air guitar luminaries from Austria and Australia for bragging rights and a guitar. It is presumed that Mel Bay will not be in attendance.

Hep Cat Jazz

Well, this one scores a ten on the "cute stuff" scale - it's the "Kitten Burger Electronic Latin Jazz Keyboard". Meow.

Happy Birthday, Ringo

Born Richard Starkey, the drummer turned 62 today.

Said Ringo, early in his career: "I figure we're good for another four years. I don't want to invest me money in stocks or anything. I just want to have it and draw twenty or thirty quid a week. The main thing is, I don't ever want to go back to work."

Here's 13 reasons to give Ringo some respect.

Drinking on the Job Gets Burglar Busted

A moronic burglar who robbed a church in Ohio made it exceptionally easy for the cops to find and arrest him - he left them a trail of empty Bud Light cans that led them right to his home.

I'm a Rocker, I'm a Roller, I'm an Out-of-Controller!

If you never saw the first Mad Max movie that line probably doesn't ring a bell. If, however, you did see it and have always wanted one of those boss cars they drove in the movie, such as the Nightrider's Pursuit Special or Max's own vehicle, these folks can hook you up.

I Love Egg

A very cutesy, nicely designed (Korean?) site featuring freaky, colorful little flash animations revolving around a little troupe of colorful eggs. I just really love the menu on this site. Very prettily designed.

Cake Divas

Bakers that specialize in over-the-top cakes sculpted to look like Faberge eggs, guitars, anything you want, looks like. Wonder if it hurts when they see someone take that first slice out of their creations?

Twenty-one...Twenty-two...Twenty-three...Sleepy Yet?

And the award for most comically pointless site of the day goes to Counting Sheep, a site in which sheep after tiny sheep pop up and you...well...count them. *Yawn*